I’m So Fucking Tired

Yeah, I know you are too but this is not about you, this is about me right now. I don’t sleep anymore. Not enough to speak of anyway. Magoo sleeps amazingly; 7pm – 7am and has since…oh I don’t know about 4 months old. No shit. Lil Red sleeps 7pm – 5am then after I give her the binky, until 6am. Again not bad and she’s been doing this since around 3 months old. The Duke gets a cool 4 – 5 hours a night and God only knows how he does it. I’m old now. I don’t have the stamina I used to. I always say, if I didn’t get pregnant and married, I wouldn’t have been able to keep up with myself because I. WAS. FUN.

I go to bed early. I fall asleep quickly. I just don’t stay asleep. I wake up every 1 1/2 – 2 hours with something idiotic on my mind. The WORST is waking up to that fucking Poppy Cat or Angelina Ballerina jingle. You Sprout-watching parents know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. Or, I think about the role that wasn’t cast and still needs to be cast. Or that the laundry wasn’t put away and how much that fucking pisses me off or any number of things that in the middle of the night just don’t matter. I’m also anticipating if and when Lil Red will wake up and need me. Literally, it drives me crazy. It’s like I’m in a hazy sleep and I wake up to make sure the baby isn’t crying. And by the way, IF Lil Red wakes up before the 5am time (or at that time) she doesn’t CRY. Does. Not. Cry. She wakes up, stirs, coos and wants to play. WTF?? The Universe knew to give me good sleepers because no parent over the age of 38 should have to deal with a colicky baby. So in essence, I haven’t slept since about my 5th month of pregnancy with Lil Red.

My partner (business partner people) gave me a gift yesterday… a pretty little blue pill, Ambien. You would’ve thought it was X the way I held that little blue pill in my hand and salivated. What would be the perfect night to take it? Ah fuck it, I’ll take it tonight, (last night). After the Presidential debate and having to watch that evil, evil man tell lie after lie with his squinty stupid eyes and arrogance that makes me want to punch him in the face, I needed a good, restful, uninterrupted sleep. An Ambien lasts 6 hours so I thought I’d take it at 9pm, fall asleep at 9:30 and get those goddamn 6 hours of zzzz’s. That didn’t happen!!!! Took it at 9:30, got to bed around 10:15 and all was going great until, nope, not Lil Red but MAGOO woke up at 2:30AM. SHE NEVER WAKES UP! Wah (me not her)….who knows why but she did. I went to see what was wrong, left the room and she went ballistic. Very unlike her but would not stop screaming and crying. Normally I would make her cry it out but because I didn’t want to wake up Lil Red, I did what I never do and put her in bed with me. I’m not a co-sleeper. Magoo is not a co-sleeper but for some reason that’s what she wanted last night. In my Ambien cloud we laid in bed together and she just sang her ABC’s over and over and over and OVER. Normally it’s the cutest thing ever but I just wanted her to shut the fuck up. Wasn’t it enough that I was rubbing her head and snuggling her? She would not stop singing. When she finally fell asleep around 4am Lil Red was stirring…this is a fucking joke I’m thinking to myself while, of course, that goddamn ABC song is repeating in my head. Got Lil Red settled for another hour and half so I could sleep but that was it. I was up at 5:45 getting ready to feed Lil Red at 6AM. I felt like shit. The kind of tired where you just want to cry for no other reason than you’re so tired. It SUCKED.

You know what? They say sleep deprivation can cause one not to lose weight. I bet that’s why I’m still fat. You need sleep to metabolize, if I’m not sleeping then I’m not metabolizing and THAT’S what is making me fat. Well thank God something came from that. I figured it out…fuck yea!

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One Comment

  1. Sweet… zombie… jaysus. That is the absolute WORST, jaw-breaking, throat-hurting yawn kind of tired. Oh, honey- I so feel for you.

    On the upside, FIVE hours of uninterrupted sleep will feel like a fucking spa vacation.

    Reply

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